#communicationMatters

Something happened in the past 10 years. We’ve gone from long conversations on the phone at night, that turned into face to face interactions and taught us enough or scared us away to make educated decisions about relationships and friendships. ¬†Now we are in a space where we have a society full of poor communicators.

With the evolution of social media a good number of us have logged on to a number of social media websites and logged off of phone and face to face interactions.

In fact I can count on one hand the friends I have who when they do call still leave a voice message. I love them by the way!

What I’ve realized in the flammable climate of group texts, emails, social media posts and short attention spans, is that miscommunication happens all too often.

You see what a phone conversation would turn into a joke or appropriately handle, the leeway of a text, social media posting or missed phone call now ignites a beef or miscommunication that shouldn’t even exist.

In fact by the time a phone call is made things have usually gone from bad to worse. Former friends and/ or lovers don’t and won’t speak to one another and those around seem to enjoy the beef and not encouraging a face to face conversation or phone resolution.

There is so much value in a phone conversation that allows someone to communicate a complete thought. Even trying to communicate a complete thought on Facebook, blogs and most certainly via text, Twitter and Instagram can leave a lot unsaid.

Pick up the phone today and reach out to someone who you feel you did not communicate appropriately with or that you find value in. Communicate via phone or face to face and share with them what you really meant and what they mean to you!

#communicationMatters

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Leftovers 

The last year for me has left me conflicted when it comes to dating or in my case attempting to date. As I started thinking back on my experiences and then sharing experiences with friends I found commonalities.

We encounter so many individuals who simply have given their best to less than deserving people prior to us. That said many of us fail to take accountability for giving to people we know we aren’t compatible with. Many of us hope to influence or away someone into changing THEIR behavior.

My natural disposition is one of optimism. I am optimistic that life, love, professions and family can all be healthy and thriving.

Unfortunately what I tend to attract are extremely broken individuals. Individuals void of purpose, passion and dare I say promise. Now the individuals whom I encounter aren’t naturally broken, but as a result of their previous encounters.

My role in my relationships and interactions that have failed is clear. I myself brought broken pieces. I never really pieced myself back together, because I was seen as strong or put together my partners never thought to help me while I was busy trying to help them.

It seems so many of us can easily tell you we got back up after a fall, but the truth is many of us are really still battered and bruised from that fall. We are still aching mentally, emotionally and some of us even financially as a result of our choice to deal with broken individuals.

Let’s be clear those broken individuals are not bad or evil, they just don’t want to acknowledge they are still broken and they do not want to acknowledge they are still hurting.

So instead of giving us a fresh plate of them, of their love and of their effort they provide us leftovers. Leftover effort, leftover empathy, leftover intimacy and leftover love.

It’s so important that many of us take time to really heal. Carrying over life’s burdens from one situation not only continually damages you, but it can damage your future potential unions. Now you find that someone who is barely holding on has attached to someone seemingly strong and fruitful draining then of the energy they never really had.

They do not fill their partners up instead they keep requiring their partner pour more and more out of their cup. The domino effect of this is massive. The leftovers you provide your loved ones impact their work life, their spiritual life, their family relationships and their friendships.

Take the time to heal. Make sure you are serving people a fresh plate of you. One that is transparent yet working through your issues. Serve them the best you possible. Push through the pain, but still acknowledge it so that you can work together to fix it. Acknowledge the good that they offer and acknowledge your faults that you naturally have.

Quit serving your leftovers to everyone. The truth is nobody wants to take in something that everyone else has prepared.

What are you not saying?

Yesterday I was talking to a friend in a relationship. My friend said he was struggling with his current relationship. Nothing was wrong per say, but he was encountering a lot of extra from people he had previous relations and relationships with.

Let me stop here this post or blog is not to glorify or to absolve people who cheat physically and or emotionally. It is just to say THERE IS very real reason.

Back to the conversation while speaking to him I realized that I had done many of the same things in my previous relationships. I had entertained and engaged people who filled me up where I did not get filled up in my relationships. 

I asked him a simple question, “What is the thing he wishes he could change about his relationship or what is it that bothers him about the interaction he currently had with his partner?” He responded, “I have little quirks like the feeling of being talked down too or like I’m a child. But I get over that. ”

As we chatted I realized he was engaging with and being pursued by individuals who saw that he needed something and they were happy stepping in to provide it, regardless of his relationship status. 

The challenge for him, myself and so many others is to communicate with our partners what we need and don’t need, in more effective ways. When your partner says or behaves in a way that emasculates us as men or women if you are treated less than a woman we have to address it. We have to talk about it and teach people who we want to be treated. 

If you don’t address it those little things become bigger things that become the scape goats and doors we use to disrespect our relationships. 

As a partner who may have made your partner feel less than understand that you aren’t absolved from guilt. You may not do the same thing as your partner does when you’re made to feel bad, but your role in a relationship is to communicate in a way that your partner receives your message and is not slapped with it. 

My friend may have had an issue with the way he was spoken to, but in my past relationships I’ve felt like I’ve carried the emotional and financial weight. Which caused the universe to provide every candidate who wanted to carry that emotional and financial weight. What I should have done is communicate what I needed and what I wanted from my partner to provide them the opportunity to improve or to rebut. 

The point is simple communicate and when you are communicated with listen to fix the issue not to be right or wrong. Right never saved a relationship and wrong never ended it, but it sure did add a few more road blocks to a happy path. 

Think about that today as you go through your interactions with friends, family, and your significant others.