Image

The Truth About Fear

Over the weekend, I had a good discussion with a good friend of mine. We had a real heart to heart. We discussed the uncomfortable truth about progress. I will share somethings that are an everyday reality for many individuals in Los Angeles. Particularly those who work in entertainment spaces. I know many people will post and share the glamour, the VIP events, they will share their latest threads and engaging social media posts. There is a reality to the curated content.

One of the conclusions of that conversation is that often, we CHOOSE not to grow because there is a much easier route opposite of progress. The easy route is always accessible. During the conversation, we were both honest about why, at times, we did not progress and we were honest about what it took to improve.

Common denominators for lack of progress fear of being laughed at. Fear of being isolated. Fear of being embarrassed. Fear. Common denominators of progress. Hard work, sacrifice and humility. As I reflected on that conversation, I thought back to the beginning of 2019. I was renting a room and extremely unhappy with my living situations. I wanted to move out of that situation and still maintain financial security. So I started getting more diligent and focused on budgeting. I decided to start my agency while freelancing. If you know anything about integrated communications and marketing, you know it is time-consuming. I did not have much time for much else. I was not making as much money as I wanted initially, so I started to deliver for Postmates. My truth is I was too insecure about delivering for Postmates. I thought, “What if someone I know were to see me?” I thought, “What if I deliver to someone I work with?” I had to be clear on the importance of my goals. If I was going to progress, I had to do a few things that made me uncomfortable until things started to shift. I began attending therapy to unpack and rewire how I processed a lot of things that no longer served me.

I knew that moving would also be expensive. At the time, I was spending a third of what I spend on bills now. I saved up as much as possible. I paid down as much debt as possible and started being proactive about handling my credit. I focused on career progression a lot in that first half of the year. I was missing out on a lot of things just to get to the place I wanted and needed to get to.  

I said all of this to say the last half of the year sped up and put me in places of unimaginable joy. My agency did well. I received a call out of the blue for an apartment and was able to move within weeks of finding it. I landed great freelance opportunities and healed a lot of past trauma.

I know fear is gripping. I know anxiety can make you afraid to get out of bed. I know fear can have you stuck. Just remember that the fear that is holding you will always be there; however, those opportunities you want will not. They will continue to move on to people showing up and showing out for them. That love you desire will not be prepared for you if you are not preparing for it. Do not let fear hold you tightly. Just do it, as Nike says if you want to start saving, research budgets and look at how you can realistically live and still save. If you’re going to get in better shape, get up each morning and start doing something to be a better version of yourself. If you want to find a new career,  start researching the steps it takes to get there and start applying yourself to get better and get to that point.

The Truth About Fear is it will always exist; the sooner you start training yourself to push through it, the better you become and slowly, you can and will improve. A consideration that will not necessarily make you alter your goal, but informs how you arrive at your destination.

 

 

Image

6 Things you Can Do and Not Do to Improve Your Relationships!

I want to preface this blog by stating I am NOT a therapist or a relationship expert. I am merely sharing observations and insight from conversations; all that said, I am thoughtful and I work to manage my relationships because people matter!

Throughout this post, you will see friendship and/or relationship used. Friendships matter and so do intimate relationships. So the advice can apply to both. That said, I hope this touches something in each of us. I struggle with some of the items on the list, so this acts as a reminder to me as well.

6. Do not let your ego overshadow your friend and/or relationship.

When I look at some lasting relationships, I see people who can laugh at one another and also laugh with one another. Some of us let our egos overpower our partners and us. We are too good to be wrong, we have to be right and get in the weeds of things that do not matter. In your relationship, your credentials, degrees, cars and age should not be used to trump your partner. EVER! Throw all that out the door. Yes, you worked hard to attain and accomplish certain things, but your friendship and/ or relationship should not be the place you prop yourself up in, it should be a safe place to just exist.

5. Respect your friend and/or partner’s time.

This may seem like common sense, but it is vital. If you have a commitment, meet it, or give notice before the date and time, you cannot meet the obligation. Things come up. We overbook ourselves and sometimes forget, but if you consistently drop the ball or disrespect their time, you are communicating to that friend and/or partner that they are not valuable.

4. Publicly Show Respect to Your Friend/ Partner.

Acknowledging your friends and/or partner is essential. Be sure you are not spending all your time arguing about a sports team, movie, singer, etc. At a party or gathering, mention how proud of your friend/ partner you are. Social media is inundated with arguments over people; many of us do not know, but what about that particular individual (s) in your life. When is the last time you bragged on your friends and their work and the achievements they are completing?

3. DO NOT AIR YOUR LAUNDRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!

Think of it this way. When your apartment or house has a leak or broken appliance. Are you going to post about it on Social media for days or even weeks before fixing it, or are you going to get to work trying to fix it? The same goes for friendships and/or relationships. Do not vent to social media about your relationship. Have a conversation with the person(s) you’re with unless you are prepared to share ALL OF YOUR shortcomings! Do not try to show up or embarrass or send a message via social media.

2. Be respectful of your friend and/or partner’s other friends and family and expect the same.

You may not like one of your friends and/or partner’s other friends or family members, but instead of trashing and tearing them down and involving your friend or partner, have a respectful adult conversation to resolve or mend things. Nothing good can come from you libeling, attacking and attempting to discredit someone else. Make an effort to be in healthy communicative interaction with people that you WILL have to share space with that your partner love.

1. Actively work on you.

Friendships and/or relationships are the process of evolution. Your friend(s) and/or partner should be able to support you and you do the same. However, if you are merely knee-deep in their business and their endeavors, you cannot evolve on your behalf in the best way. Yes, you may have times where one of your friends and/or your partner may need you, but to completely dump your dreams and abandon your own ambition is a recipe for disaster.

6 Thing to Unsubscribe from!

I love lists! Lists help me stay on track and make sure I am making progress, with that said I created a list of things I wanted to see left in 2016.

This is as a result of social interactions, both in person and via social media.


SHARING PAIN- I mean that! The truth is we have all been hurt. The honest to God Truth is you do not get a pass to become the individual who hurt you. Yes it is hard to get over some things, but you have to get to work. The next point will expand on Sharing Pain. 


BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE – Sometimes in life we are victimized, but the reality is all too often we play a role in our own victimization. You know the bad relationship we are “healing” from. The friendship that not longer feels right. YOU played a role in that. You cannot blame everyone else for your choice to stay in something that you know is not good for you. Learn from those situations and learn to walk away rather than hanging on to them to the point you are bruised and battered.

 

BEING INTERNET SOCIAL JUSTICE ACTIVISTS – I get it Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter and All Lives Matter, but simply stating that and not supporting these lives is not helpful. It means not sharing Blue Lives Matters only when a Blue life is taken by a person who happens to be a minority. That means Black Lives need to matter beyond when being murdered by a police officer. Social Justice is important all the time and should not be ignored, because your childhood hero, favorite singer or local celebrity is standing trial. Yes your words are important, but actions speak louder than words. Do some work in your community.  Volunteer, pick up trash or even mentor, JUST DO SOMETHING!

 

POSTING PICTURES TO ELICIT NEGATIVE COMMENTS – Some may refer to this as trolling. Not a day goes by on social media where some one is not posting an image of a particular group of people to elicit negative commentary. Posting a picture of a woman who happens to be larger than the “standard” kissing a slimmer guy with the caption, “Say Something Nice”, or posting a picture of a group of gay men and saying ladies pick one is offensive. Sharing an image of a celebrity with the caption “suspect” is what traumatizes so many people and displays ignorance. Those actions speaks to is insecurities and contribute to bullying.

 

PLANNING MORE THAN EXECUTING- In 2016 I realized I had spent so much time planning my move to LA. I spent time crunching numbers and applying to countless jobs. So much so that I looked up and realized that I had been planning for at least 2 years. So many of us are making plans to do things and we spend so much time planning and we never execute the plan. At a certain point your planning become procrastination and hesitation. Take the leap and go. Your planning will assist you once you act.

 

TEXTING MORE THAN YOU ACTUALLY CALL OR SPEAK- In 2016 we saw an all time high use of social media, wireless carrier reported record numbers of data and text messages being used. All that to say with unlimited minutes we no longer use what is readily available. Social media has made it popular to send messages to everyone, but the people who are truly important in our life. Social Media has allowed us to communicate messages to people without directly stating what you have to discuss. This leaves so many opportunities to miscommunicate and leave out a lot. It is easier to share a complete thought via your voice or face to face than to attempt to share a message via text, facebook or instagram.

 

This list may not be things in your life or your friends, but whatever you unsubscribe from do not wait until 2016 is over to do it! Let’s start now.

Thanks for taking the time out to read! I know my posts can be lengthy at times, but I truly appreciate those of you who read, share and let me know your thoughts on the content of my blog. Let’s make the New Year one that is better than ever. Let me know what type of content resonates with you and as I encounter opportunities I want to incorporate it and share.

Share That!

The holidays can mean a lot of different things for a lot of people. For me holidays were a special time. It brought my huge family together (beyond just immediate family) in segments, because we are literally too big to all be together for anything other than a family reunion.

We shared great laughs, we had great food and above everything else you felt Love! Real love, felt through handshakes, and genuine smiles. It did not matter what size or shape you came in, the love came freely.

As an adult, well someone over the age of 18, I made it a goal to share that. Every holiday I invited friends over. Friends who were not going home for holidays, friends who may have not had any family left, and friends who were disconnected from their family, for whatever reason.

So as my 3rd holiday away from my family approaches I encourage those who have the ability to share their family and their love with others. Though I am not able to open up a home to anyone this year one of my goals is to eventually do that.

This year provided many blessings and a lot more challenges. Moving to LA with no job, no car, and no stable home to call my own was terrifying. Spending my birthday alone and away from fellowship provided a real eye opener. Through all that I have been working towards this next chapter of my life. It looks different than before and it is more free spirited than ever.

Despite my challenges of being distanced from family and working at establishing connections and a real network in LA I am encouraged. Encouraged that genuine love does exist, between friends, between family and between strangers!

So I encourage everyone to share more LOVE. Every chance you get. Though this message is specifically about Holidays like Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza go beyond that. Be intentional with your Love and share it without the expectation of reciprocation!

Happy Holidays!

I WANT TO DATE YOU NOT MARRY YOU…

Dating for me in the last few years can be summed up in one word, “anxiety.”

Gen Y or Millennials are a group with more options for dates, due in large part to dating apps and social media. With that comes the promotion of unhealthy coping mechanisms that are easily spread to those who are not independent thinkers. Daily we see people reposting and sharing statuses like, “Don’t catch feelings, catch flights” or some other pessimistic and flat out crazy message.

One trend I have noticed is individuals who want to date, but are afraid of getting burned, so they are team “no feelings.” Team no feelings has a lot to say and actually probably feels a lot of emotion, but instead of letting out those thoughts and emotions, they dismiss them. So if you even mention anything beyond casual sex, drinks, or Netflix and chill, they are running for hills for fear of showcasing their feelings. 

To these individuals, I say chill! I just want to get to know you and uncover the layers of you. I do not want to marry you; I just want to spend time getting to know you better. For me, it is hard to balance multiple people. I have too much going on professionally and with family to add in 2-5 more people like I was able to do in my 20’s. 

Me dating you just means I want to get to know your favorite foods, what you like to drink, how you cope with stress, what makes you smile, what makes you angry. Those important things that help you build a friendship and then down the road (6 months) we can assess where we are and are NOT compatible. 

Next, you have those individuals who act like dating is a race to the finish line. Everything is quick. We all know these people. After one date and a great conversation, with moderate attraction, they are planning the weddings and discussing couples activities like destination trips, intimate dinners, meeting each other’s family and apartment/ house shopping.

To these individuals, I say, “pause!” Why are you in such a rush? You do not know if I snore (I do when I am tired or sick), what about our values, what about the fact that when I am hungry, I am not always the nicest person. I need you to understand that in my case, I moved to LA without a car or a place of my own, so while I am interested in potentially dating, I have a lot to accomplish.

Let’s take a step back and work on developing a deeper understanding of our possible coexistence. See each other maybe once or twice a week, but have somewhat consistent communication. We do not need to talk all day or text every minute of the day, but let’s establish a consistent pattern that is timely and responsible for our adult responsibilities. 

It seems, in either case, whether you team no feelings or the rusher, we need to be super clear on how we feel about ourselves, about our past dating experiences and about what we want long term. 

So if and when someone like myself says I want to date, you just understand that is an opportunity for us to get to know each other, nothing more, nothing less.

Emotional Rollercoaster that is “Moonlight”

Have you ever walked into an experience, watching a play? Maybe you attended a concert and you had no idea what to expect, but you find yourself completely enthralled in the experience? Last night I attended a showing for the movie “Moonlight” with my buddy Ashley .

The movie is a complex story that all too many people of color face. British actress, Naomie Harris plays, Chiron’s mother and you have to buckle your seatbelt for the emotional ride she takes you on. Chiron (pronounced Shy-Ron) played by Alex Hibbert, Ashton Sanders, Trevante Rhodes is a young man with a troubled upbringing. Janelle Monae literally plays superwoman and is probably the character that saved Chiron’s life. As a note actress Naomie Harris is an incredible actress she shot all of her scenes in 3 days. 

Director Brad Jenkins masterfully wrote and direct a powerful piece of work and Brad Pitt is the executive producer of the film. The casting in the movie is impeccable and the most interesting note is the 3 actors who play Chiron, played him not knowing there was another Chiron also portraying him. The actors did not meet and did not know each other prior to the edited film was shown. Yet the embodiment of the character, Chiron, throughout 3 different segments of his life is impeccably portrayed and seamless.

Do yourself a favor and go and see the film today! It has been described as a “coming out” story, but it more of an enlightening tool into life, love, friendship, pain, drugs and poverty. 
No matter your race, whether you are black, white, Indian, Asian and/ or Latino’s should see it.

Click here to find your nearest box office showing the film. 

#moonlight

#chiron

#NaomieHarris

#AlexHibbert

#AshtonSanders

#TrevanteRhodes

#iamjoecarnell

More than…

How many of us have ever walked into a room and heard someone bashing a person, because of their personal diet choices? Here’s an example you are at work and John is telling Adam, that he thinks eating Kale is for weak losers. Imagine if you eat Kale and enjoy it, yet John is your boss and Adam your friend is laughing while John insults Kale eaters. John then misquotes a passage in the Bible and Adam awkwardly laughs as he tries to remember the passage he knows doesn’t reference Kale. As you sit there annoyed and thinking is eating Kale really that bad? Does everything I have done good get negated. That is what millions of people feel when they see and hear their family members, coworkers and friends discussing their sexual preference. They have to hear the ones they work with, learn with, worship with and in some cases live with demeaning a choice that does not impact their loved ones, coworkers, friends and family members in anyway.

Sexuality is not something that determines physical aptitude, mental health or morality, yet in our country sexuality is all to frequently a talking point that seeks to demean and suppress the LGBTQ community.

There are physicians, entertainers, athletes, teachers, service workers, police officers, executives and the list goes on who live their life inside of a very sturdy mental box. Individuals who have competed academically, athletically and done so at a high level are relegated to what they enjoy in the bedroom. Every scholastic award, every medal, ribbon or trophy they have ever won is now negated.

This is not entirely due to a fault of one person, rather as a result of parents, friends, communities, religious houses and schools that frequently (by frequently I mean probably once a week) state that by being gay or bisexual you are less of a man or less than. In some cases many of us have even heard people threaten physical violence against someone who is gay or bisexual. 

I have personally seen acquaintances and family members share social media posts equating homosexuality to beastiality, misquoting scripture and liking or sharing demonstrative lies (I.e. Slavery introduced homosexuality to black people *insert a hard eye roll*) all based on someone else’s sexual preference. Some may have not known my sexuality, but I definitely took note. If it was not for the support system, parents and grandparents I had I would be in that number. Who I am may have been suppressed due to the discouraging things I have witnessed.

Our society has no idea of what the words, actions they exhibit and energy around homosexuality can do to those individuals. There are individuals have no desire to carry out a heterosexual love life, instead they have to fake it so that their family do not abandon them, their friends do not mock and ridicule them and their community does not harass them and turn their back on them.

As a result of individuals date in secrecy, they live in obscurity and are mentally tormented at the thought of revealing who they truly love and hope to build an existence with. They never share the photo or video we see so many of our heterosexual friends sharing of the “Love of their Life”. The thought that their mother or father would hurl religious scriptures, epithets and possibly violence in their direction that they would now be the focus of conversations at their religious house, family reunion, job or professional social circles is terrifying and very real. 

I have witnessed young men and women living false reality into their 30’s and 40’s. To make that even clearer that could be half of someone’s life or a little under a 1/3. 

For those that read this, be mindful of how you describe an entire group of people. Be mindful of how you interact with those around you. Your son, your daughter, your niece or nephew, your cousin or even your friend greet them with love and encourage them to be true to themselves and continue to love them no matter who they love. 🙏🏾

To those who had the courage to come out despite your opposition, kudos to you and may you find peace in your truth. Encourage those around you to get centered with their truth and their reality. After all we are all More than what occurs in the bedroom!

Image

7 Reasons You May Be Single – Perspective

After two relationships that each lasted about 3 years I found myself reevaluating everything. Looking at what I brought to the table, what I accepted and what was expected. I had to be honest with myself. In conversation and through observation with friends and associates over the past few years, I found some common dating issues:

7. Everyone knows everyone. Well at least social media connects everyone. So that may make it difficult to date someone, one of your “friends” has not dated. That is if you care about that sort of boundary. However for some the thought of dating a popular person or someone a friend or associate dated is a turnoff.

6. We do not create interactions that facilitate the type of relationship we want. Here is an example. You want to casually date someone. Nothing serious, just brunch, happy hour, dinner or movies occasionally. The catch is you indulge in frequent communication (daily text and phone conversations or day long exchanges) and you’re planning romantic experiences. That behavior then sends a message that this is not so casual. However, because many of us are not introspective we can push it off on the other person as being clingy or pushy.

5. You don’t really know what you want or you are scared to be honest. You sort of want a Netflix and chill situation, but you also want someone to confide in. You want a friend that you find attractive, but you also want late night pillow talk. There are a good portion of us who never take time from dating to learn what it is we want long term from a partner. We live in a time where sex is readily available, thanks to social media and some people are afraid to just be honest about what it is they desire or what is most important to them.

4. You are carrying old baggage everywhere. That old relationship and the person involved that left you broken, damn near homeless and distanced from family & friends (hopefully all 3 did not occur) is now who you see in everyone. The guy/ girl who shows active interest and wants to communicate with you or senses when you’re not quite yourself is now smothering you and you push them away for the slightest resemblance of the person you never should have dated months or years back.

3. You are scared. Look I get it! You are scared of commitment. For me committing to buying a pair of underwear is a huge commitment so imagine how I view relationships. Who wants to spend months or years, countless dollars and energy dating someone only to possibly be disappointed? The answer is nobody. Here’s the thing, every interaction does not have to turn out with you blocking them on every social media channel, blocking their friends and their number and avoiding local functions so you do not see them. It may be that the young man or woman you dated just had a different vision of what short term or long term looks like. That’s ok! Forgive yourself, better yet do not beat yourself up for dating someone that did not come with a warning label.

2. You will not own your role! Too many of us (myself included) have tried to do everything for everyone. As a result we do not spend enough time working on our own shortcomings. If you find yourself scouring your potential or partners social media pages and searching through their phone only to start up an argument about an emoji a fan left. If you are dealing with a non confrontational potential or partner this can send them running for the hills or shutting down.

1. Take your time. This generation is a microwave society. We want a relationship with 5 year benefits within 6 months. Before introducing someone to your family learn as much as possible. Before you two are double dating with the other couple that you know, find out if they can handle their alcohol are they responsible or if you even have real chemistry. Rushing into a relationship where you do not give yourself time is a recipe for disaster. We have all seen it on our social media timelines. They date for a month then they flood our timelines with the infamous “bae & I” pictures at the grocery store, in the bathroom, at the movies, in the car you get it I’m sure. Or how cold we forget the annoying hashtags #whenyouknowitsreal, #futurewifey, #futurehubby, #mybackbone then 3 months later the person is wiped from social media existence after a breakup that could have been spotted with a little more patience.

This post is not about critiquing anyone other than myself. I swept around my own door and found these gems. I then saw people around me dealing with similar issues. I hope this helps someone. If so do me a favor, Like this post, subscribe below and share it with your own network!

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

PRESS RESET

PRESS RESET!
Today I am pressing reset on life. My move is not just a move it is literally the pursuit of happiness. 

Over the past few years I have been comfortable. Comfortable with my jobs, comfortable with my circles yet something inside of me was unfulfilled. I made a decent amount of money in a city that’s fairly inexpensive to live in. 

Though I have been promoted at every job I have ever had it has not been enough. 
Several years back I got clear on my purpose in life. I knew my move was imminent I just needed to press the button.

I encourage anyone reading this who is feeling unfulfilled, maybe feeling like there is more you want to do. Take time to look at what you love/ enjoy what you are good at and find a way to marry the two. Do not let life’s circumstances constrain and restrain you. You may even see an opportunity to develop to get to where you belong.

Once you determine what it is you love/ enjoy and/ or were destined for, set a date, then work in reverse to think through how you can make it happen.

Though I know my next chapter will not be easy. I have no doubt that I will learn and truly LIVE.

This is not goodbye forever, but rather see you later. To the city that groomed me, the people who prepared me and experiences that shaped me. 

So don’t be afraid to press RESET on your life. It may not be a move. Maybe it is a new job. Maybe it is pursuit of an education. Maybe it is even a business venture. Set a date. Make a plan and Go! God will provide the thugs you need for you!

🙏🏾 PRESS RESET!

Prerequisite

For many the word prerequisite reminds us of the term we became familiar with while taking undergraduate courses.

The term, identified courses you had to take prior to taking next level courses. In many cases it meant taking your basics or making sure you mastered the basics.

Prerequisites, are also a must depending on the type of job/career you have. In the workplace a certain amount of work experience and practical knowledge is necessary to get and maintain your job/career.

Now that we all have become familiar with the term prerequisite is it safe to say that many of us have the wrong set of prerequisites when it comes to dating? On any given day as I scroll on social media or even view posts in one of the Facebook groups I am in, I notice individuals stating their prerequisites are a job, car, education, passport stamps and financial stability. For many years I too placed a good amount of weight on those qualities and add in education (formal). I felt like those things would yield an ideal partner. Am I the only one who has done this? The question is, “Is that all it takes?”

As I have matured my prerequisites are no longer the same. After having a fairly successful professional life (before the age of 30) I decided to stop slaving away for others to pursue my own passion. For about a year and a half I transitioned out of a life of excess and into a minimalistic life style. That transition taught me a lot. I found out who I really was and not what my car, trips, house, bank accounts and passports stamps portrayed me to be. I value integrity, a spiritual connection with a higher being (for me that’s Jesus), someone with a zest for life (with or without me) honesty (with or without me) and a intelligence (formal or informal). The reality is all of those qualities do not coincide with a certain vehicle, education or even home in a certain area.

I found that the superficial and dare I say materialistic prerequisites I had longed for were often masking ugly spirits, unattended insecurities and spiteful behavior. That is not to say everyone with an education, who is well traveled, drives a nice vehicle and had reached a certain socioeconomic level.

What I found is the qualities that I now valued were someone’s character and their aptitude had little to do with where they received their degree, their formal education (or lack there of) or even how many passport stamps they had. My prerequisites changed.

The the number of dates began to dwindle, when cute just did not cut it anymore. The number of nice restaurants I visited on dates significantly decreased and my bank account was happier for it. Intimacy was few and far between, because of the mental stimulation I now required. I rest easy knowing I have not wasted time seeing potential. Instead I see reality.

So while reading this I hope this does not read as an indictment to the well educated, well spoken, lavish home living, frequently passport stamped and well funded. In fact I hope it is encouragement to reveal more of who you really are and to require more than just the superficial as your prerequisite. A man/woman who works hard, has integrity, intelligence and is honest can achieve and attain as much if not more than the individual who is simply book smart, fiscally successful and cosmopolitan. You just cannot build character in a person who does not see the value in it.

What are your prerequisites?