Relationships – iamjoecarnell

I want to preface this blog by stating I am NOT a therapist or a relationship expert. I am merely sharing observations and insight from conversations; all that said, I am thoughtful and I work to manage my relationships because people matter!

Throughout this post, you will see friendship and/or relationship used. Friendships matter and so do intimate relationships. So the advice can apply to both. That said, I hope this touches something in each of us. I struggle with some of the items on the list, so this acts as a reminder to me as well.

6. Do not let your ego overshadow your friend and/or relationship.

When I look at some lasting relationships, I see people who can laugh at one another and also laugh with one another. Some of us let our egos overpower our partners and us. We are too good to be wrong, we have to be right and get in the weeds of things that do not matter. In your relationship, your credentials, degrees, cars and age should not be used to trump your partner. EVER! Throw all that out the door. Yes, you worked hard to attain and accomplish certain things, but your friendship and/ or relationship should not be the place you prop yourself up in, it should be a safe place to just exist.

5. Respect your friend and/or partner’s time.

This may seem like common sense, but it is vital. If you have a commitment, meet it, or give notice before the date and time, you cannot meet the obligation. Things come up. We overbook ourselves and sometimes forget, but if you consistently drop the ball or disrespect their time, you are communicating to that friend and/or partner that they are not valuable.

4. Publicly Show Respect to Your Friend/ Partner.

Acknowledging your friends and/or partner is essential. Be sure you are not spending all your time arguing about a sports team, movie, singer, etc. At a party or gathering, mention how proud of your friend/ partner you are. Social media is inundated with arguments over people; many of us do not know, but what about that particular individual (s) in your life. When is the last time you bragged on your friends and their work and the achievements they are completing?

3. DO NOT AIR YOUR LAUNDRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!

Think of it this way. When your apartment or house has a leak or broken appliance. Are you going to post about it on Social media for days or even weeks before fixing it, or are you going to get to work trying to fix it? The same goes for friendships and/or relationships. Do not vent to social media about your relationship. Have a conversation with the person(s) you’re with unless you are prepared to share ALL OF YOUR shortcomings! Do not try to show up or embarrass or send a message via social media.

2. Be respectful of your friend and/or partner’s other friends and family and expect the same.

You may not like one of your friends and/or partner’s other friends or family members, but instead of trashing and tearing them down and involving your friend or partner, have a respectful adult conversation to resolve or mend things. Nothing good can come from you libeling, attacking and attempting to discredit someone else. Make an effort to be in healthy communicative interaction with people that you WILL have to share space with that your partner love.

1. Actively work on you.

Friendships and/or relationships are the process of evolution. Your friend(s) and/or partner should be able to support you and you do the same. However, if you are merely knee-deep in their business and their endeavors, you cannot evolve on your behalf in the best way. Yes, you may have times where one of your friends and/or your partner may need you, but to completely dump your dreams and abandon your own ambition is a recipe for disaster.

After two relationships that each lasted about 3 years I found myself reevaluating everything. Looking at what I brought to the table, what I accepted and what was expected. I had to be honest with myself. In conversation and through observation with friends and associates over the past few years, I found some common dating issues:

7. Everyone knows everyone. Well at least social media connects everyone. So that may make it difficult to date someone, one of your “friends” has not dated. That is if you care about that sort of boundary. However for some the thought of dating a popular person or someone a friend or associate dated is a turnoff.

6. We do not create interactions that facilitate the type of relationship we want. Here is an example. You want to casually date someone. Nothing serious, just brunch, happy hour, dinner or movies occasionally. The catch is you indulge in frequent communication (daily text and phone conversations or day long exchanges) and you’re planning romantic experiences. That behavior then sends a message that this is not so casual. However, because many of us are not introspective we can push it off on the other person as being clingy or pushy.

5. You don’t really know what you want or you are scared to be honest. You sort of want a Netflix and chill situation, but you also want someone to confide in. You want a friend that you find attractive, but you also want late night pillow talk. There are a good portion of us who never take time from dating to learn what it is we want long term from a partner. We live in a time where sex is readily available, thanks to social media and some people are afraid to just be honest about what it is they desire or what is most important to them.

4. You are carrying old baggage everywhere. That old relationship and the person involved that left you broken, damn near homeless and distanced from family & friends (hopefully all 3 did not occur) is now who you see in everyone. The guy/ girl who shows active interest and wants to communicate with you or senses when you’re not quite yourself is now smothering you and you push them away for the slightest resemblance of the person you never should have dated months or years back.

3. You are scared. Look I get it! You are scared of commitment. For me committing to buying a pair of underwear is a huge commitment so imagine how I view relationships. Who wants to spend months or years, countless dollars and energy dating someone only to possibly be disappointed? The answer is nobody. Here’s the thing, every interaction does not have to turn out with you blocking them on every social media channel, blocking their friends and their number and avoiding local functions so you do not see them. It may be that the young man or woman you dated just had a different vision of what short term or long term looks like. That’s ok! Forgive yourself, better yet do not beat yourself up for dating someone that did not come with a warning label.

2. You will not own your role! Too many of us (myself included) have tried to do everything for everyone. As a result we do not spend enough time working on our own shortcomings. If you find yourself scouring your potential or partners social media pages and searching through their phone only to start up an argument about an emoji a fan left. If you are dealing with a non confrontational potential or partner this can send them running for the hills or shutting down.

1. Take your time. This generation is a microwave society. We want a relationship with 5 year benefits within 6 months. Before introducing someone to your family learn as much as possible. Before you two are double dating with the other couple that you know, find out if they can handle their alcohol are they responsible or if you even have real chemistry. Rushing into a relationship where you do not give yourself time is a recipe for disaster. We have all seen it on our social media timelines. They date for a month then they flood our timelines with the infamous “bae & I” pictures at the grocery store, in the bathroom, at the movies, in the car you get it I’m sure. Or how cold we forget the annoying hashtags #whenyouknowitsreal, #futurewifey, #futurehubby, #mybackbone then 3 months later the person is wiped from social media existence after a breakup that could have been spotted with a little more patience.

This post is not about critiquing anyone other than myself. I swept around my own door and found these gems. I then saw people around me dealing with similar issues. I hope this helps someone. If so do me a favor, Like this post, subscribe below and share it with your own network!

Tag: Relationships

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